Girl, Interrupted.

You're runnin' around livin a life that's empty in the end, my friend.

2004-12-31T12:59:47Z

Yes, it's 6:33 am. Yes. I'm awake... as is my brother and my mom. Because none of us can sleep. Who knows why. But I think I'm gonna plan to stay awake until about 9 and then sleep til 12 noon and then get ready for the big party scene tonight with my lover, Shavizzle. Last night was awesome, as was every night of this vacation and it's just been so great. But here I am, 6:34 am, New Years Eve day, and I can't really think of a better time to reflect then now. I wish I could do a pretty picture review like my darling Megan did, but this will have to do. A random listing of events of the past 12 months...

January... The month of George and Mara drama? First met Jose + the Tuckahoe crew... took the Math regents! Ok, so maybe January was kindof a boring month...

February... Started rehearsing for "West Side Story," Saw the Dropkick Murpheys @ Roseland and crowdsurfed up to the stage, had some surgery on the infamous dog bite scar... we were both alone so George was my Valentine! Went to Junior Prom with Brian and first saw Streetlight Manifesto. Got pink eye- in both eyes and gave it to JohnJo :-P

March... was out of school a bunch because of the pink eyes... started the plugs, went to see H2O... LLC reunion <33 PGT fundraising parttaayy, got contacts and a new cell phone and went to see a crap load of Fireside, Shoe Gang and Randal ATS shows...

April & May... I have absolutley nothing written down except Spring Break, that amazing Bouncing Souls show at SUNY where I sang with them and jumped on and off the stage (check April 17th entry...), celebrated my first ever 4/20, followed by the National Day of Silence, lots of battles of the bands and hanging out at the spot every single weekend...

June... West Side Story!! Oh yeah, biatches... found out about your status and dedicated my life to you... got maddd sick with pneumonia and missed the Spanish & Chemistry regents... WPHC graduated and all that stuff... summer begins!

July & August were spent working at Badger camp! mad Northshot shows... getting crunked @ Jose's every night, Al punched Lee in the face... I fell down that hill and broke myself! I turned 16 =] and went to Lizzy's pool a lot... Prosize moved to Florida which is such bull and it was the very last Northshot show... saw H2O again, got my drivers permit and went to Six Flags... the end of an era..

September... started a stress-free school year and got into "The Hadleyburg Project"... it was a "four-y" month...

October... dxm on the 2nd... R.I.P. beautiful Jason 11/4/87- 10/3/04... started working at Sam's... released Julia, became an editor for the Forum, took the PSATS... WENT TO SEE GREEN DAY!!! fuckin awesome **met Siobhan<3, Dan + Dustin!... had a super hot Halloween ...

November... Was bummed about Kerry not winning the election... went to visit Vic-pie at UMASS and had the craziest time... started hanging out in Rye a lot with m new lovers... Steph left to do a show in Florida, we continued to rehearse "Hadleyburg" like madmen... went to visit my brother at Binghamton and saw him be amazing in the Harper Jazz ensemble... had a pretty good Thanksgiving, too...

December... Hell Week for Hadleyburg... "The Hadleyburg Project" went up and it was such an experience... hung out with new people about every single day... The schizm of "the four-y", the ridiculous cast party, laser surgery on my poor foot!.. started rehearsing for the PGT 10th anniversary show, celebrated my first real Christmas and it was wonderful... THE MOST EXCELLENT WINTER VACATION EVERRR and tonight shall continue the party!!

So that's that... it's 7:53 now... I went back and looked at a whole lot of livejournal entries and watched "Saved by the Bell" and drank soda. I'm looking forward to a new year and a fresh start and being a new person..

I think I'm gonna try and sleep now. You are all amazing and thank you for this year. Though it's been really rough, we all got through and it just wouldn't be the same without any of you. I love you, guys...

"FUCK THE NRA."

2004-12-24T04:26:49Z

Wow today was such an awesome day I can't even comprehend it all.
Chilled just the whole day... Siobhan and some people came over after school and left for like an hour so I got to take a nap! And then we went to this show in Scarsdale... and once we got there I turned to my friend and was like "I wish some Tuckahoe kids would show up... I miss them so much, my friend just told me a story about Caiazzo the other day and I got so sad... etc. etc." And that very minute... who do I see?
...MICHAEL CAIAZZO!! AND AL BAIO!!! AND CEDRIC OBANDO!! AND CONNOR- AND TOM!!! oh my god. I've never smiled so much. Wow. Incredible. And we had so much fun at the show, it was great.

CleaveAgents are such an awesome band. I feel wonderful. Siobhan is here now and we are going to watch "Orange County" (the movie, not the show) and then I'm gonna go sleeps and tomorrow shall be Christmas eve and I get to see papa and we gotta freeee Ekka! w00t!

I hope everyone had as amazing of a start to their vacation as I did. =] <3

"Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done."

2004-12-23T02:41:15Z

As promised, cast party pictures. Sunday night til' 1 am... absolutley wonderful. I can't possibly wait for vacation any more. My foot hurts... and umm, I hate Subway! "Little Women (the musical)" was incredibly... mediocre. Long, well performed, but long. Lloonngg. Tomorrow is last day of school which should be good but I have a lot of tests.

Anyway, I just put up Christmas lights in my room and my daddy and I just sang some oldies tunes. And soon, I go sleeps...

guys, don't let Tara's show get cancelled!! Go watch The Mountain, pronto!

Yeah, I absolutley love my new digital camera. I'm obsessed.

Indestructable Hadleyburg...

2004-12-22T03:29:32Z

Well, the show is actually done. After all these months of rehearsal, I can't even believe it. I'm just soo attached to this cast...

I love the citizens of Hadleyburg.
And this is just how much...

Dan just lloovveess getting his make-up done.

Kit and the Rachels.

Oh, Sarah Nash...

that is not the Sarah Stein gesture.

My Aviva-love and Marcus- our wonderfully amazing pianist.

Jeffrey... or maybe the monopoly guy.

Adam, bizznatches.

my boys, Seth and Ev. they are amazing.

Sunday night cast party pics shall be up tomorrow but I am ssslleeepppyy. Surgery was fine today but my foot hurts sooo bad now. So, farewell.

Good night, Hot Buns <3 lolol. Ekka is my lover and she wants me so bad. I can't wait for vacation, mofos.

There's only so much one person can take.

2004-12-15T03:19:02Z

I give the fuck up on everyone and every single thing.

If not solely because you want me to.

So tell me, are you happy now?
Are you goddamn happy now?!

You just tell me when.

fadedglory82 @ 2004-12-06T22:26:00

2004-12-07T03:29:24Z


hardcore is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

=) teehee...

not too much to update about- this week is hell week. lloonngg rehearsals every night, not too much sleep going on. ya'll better be at the show this weekend...

Quote o' the day: "It's like hell's finally freezing over and I've been selling sleds all along!!" - Lizzy.

fadedglory82 @ 2004-11-25T08:56:00

2004-11-25T14:03:41Z

Thanksgiving is such a miserable holliday in my life. I woke up this morning to my mom telling me how disappointed in me she is and what a disgrace I am because I don't do anything around the house and I don't clean my room to her satisfaction. She sent me on a guilt trip about being sick and said how disgusting it was that I don't tak better care of myself emotionally and physically. She said our relationship has completely diteriorated from my extreme sleeping habits. She said I'm following my dad's footsteps and sooner or later I'd end up a drug addict like he did. She's going to take me back to the hospital again. It's the only way she knows how to get me together. But, still I keep falling apart...

This will be the first Thanksgiving in years that I got my dad to come to. It's going to be really weird. He hasn't seen his sister or her kids in a very long time and he doesn't get along with his parents. But I'm going to make it all better. My mission in life is to put my family back together.

Last year I sat around feeling sorry for myself about Matt. I had called him that day to wish him Happy Thanksgiving and his mom called me and I just spent the night crying. The year before that my mom and I weren't even speaking. I really hope that the presence of awesome graduated seniors and my brother will make this day a lot better. Someone pplleeaassee make this day not suck.

this picture always makes me laugh. It's Kaufman, the day after he got his tattoo. And he's being a ninja. Because people who love New York Hardcore are, apparently, all ninjas. Happy Thanksgiving!

Get my television fixed, sitting on my crucifix

2004-11-24T02:31:18Z

Daddy's back. Apparently he was in Las Vegas on business. Why I wasn't notified-- the world may never know. Just as long as he's back now. And he totally owes me Thanksgiving dinner now...

Oh man I lloovvee it when people come!! It such a party lol. Gaetano and Oria came home yesterday and Victor and George are getting in tonight. I've already made plans with Gaetano, Vic and George and I really hope I get to see everybody. ***If you're coming down to the tri-state area for Thanksgiving time, let me know if you wanna chill!

Only one more day left of school this week = super hot stuff. And, oh shit fellow Jews- Channuka's next weeeek!!! Woot. And Hose is off to Syracuse this Friday for states, so give it up for kickin' boy.

Random picture of the day? Hrmm....

IT'S A MO' FUCKIN FOUR-Y COLLAGE!!! Ohhh shiit, son. I'm sure you've all heard the term 'the four-y' before cuz I absolutley talk about them all the time. But just in case you were wondering- there we are!! That's super hotty Julia hardcore style, me with them crazy aviators, Lizzy like a moose, and cutie Rach mama! The best friends in the wwwooorrrlllddd.

Woot vacation. Woot you. Goodnight moon. <333

Dearly beloved, are you listening?

2004-11-22T01:25:13Z

This weekend has just been completely weird.

My dad is missing. Just... missing. No one has heard from him and apparently I'm the last one who has seen him... and that was Wednesday. I've been told that I'm not supposed to worry because sometimes grown-ups just need time away. And he is really stressed out... but he would never just not show up... or call...

Friday I went to Abby's with Weiss, Dan and Laurie and last night was Apple Core 2004 with Lizzy. It didn't turn out quite as we had planned, but we still had a lot of fun.

Some people are just terrible and not cool and mean. And things became messed up soo quickly. I guess thats what I get for trying to be the nice one, you know. (sigh) forget about me, it's just that simple...

I LOVE JAMES. He is amazing in every way. And we're getting married. And my new icon is super hot stuff with them aviators so ya'll better let me know what you think!

I've decided I'm going to put a picture in every entry. Totally random, just a picture I like that day. And then everyone can comment and such. So, here's the first one

Me and Vic-pie at UMASS two weeks ago. Oh man, that was a damn crazy weekend...

***edit: I just tried calling my dad again and it says that his answering machine has been turned off. What the hell does this mean...

Make it stop. Please make it stop.

2004-11-18T02:01:45Z

I haven't been emotional like this in a while.
This night has left me feeling like there's a knife in my stomach...
I went out to dinner with my dad, as I do on most Wednesdays. As we sat there I played "peek-a-boo" with the little girl sitting at the next table. She couldn't have been more than two, and, from listening to her mother, I learned her name was Maggie. She was the most beautiful little girl in the world, with those big eyes and rosie cheeks- she reminded me a lot of Farris, not that you guys would know who Farris was...
Conversation turned grim at my table as my dad talked about the divorce of my favorite aunt and uncle. I began to tear as he said "Jason(my uncle) just can't leave her because she's suicidal... but his quality of life isn't good because she's just so depressed all the time." I stopped to think that this was going to be the exact way my life would be. Everyone I love will leave me, as the pattern has gone, and because I couldn't show them happiness, because I didn't have any left in me.
But I kept myself distracted by eating and playing with Maggie. I'd blow out my cheeks and then pop them, and she'd try to copy...
My dad realizes how upset I am and starts to talk about how it's ok because somehow it's just my mom's fault. And that I'll be alright once I get away from her. He said, "now tell me, who would you rather be- your mother, or Stephanie Kovacs?" Stephanie Kovacs is m angel, my hero... my oldest friend and first director, my everything... but there we go, she has left me, too. She's gone off to Florida to be in a show. I tell my dad and he doesn't know what to say- and just says "oh, sorry." We talk about how my friends will leave, too, the ones I cling to here, and that my mom is making financial problems...
My attention turns to Maggie as I see her go to reach for a coffee cup on the table. Just then her mother slaps her hand as hard as she can and Maggie begins to cry. So do I.
I tell my dad "...I think I'm going to be sick." and I start shaking and rocking back and forth. He said "now doesn't that remind you of something?" My mother used to do that to me all the time. My dad said "hey, at least you didn't get an enclyclopedia thrown at you, like your brother did."
I'm hysterically crying and I tell my dad I have to go and I walk out and wait for him while he pays the check.
On the way home, my dad brings up how we had to call the cops on my mom 7 months ago, and how I forgot that she never apologized. I just kept saying "why did she have to do it? why?"
I ran into my room the minute I got home and locked the door. I cried harder than I have in months. I lay on the floor and tried to block out the sound but I just couldn't... I can't.
My mom and dad are fighting in the living room. I hear my mom crying and screaming. I fell in love with the innocense of that little girl, of Maggie.
Why did she have to hit her? Why does anyone have to hit their children??

I want this night to be over, I just want this to all go away. Make it stop, please, please make it stop. I can't take it anymore.

Guess Who?

2004-11-16T18:03:54Z

I'm home sicky =( so I guess I'll join in on this little trend - so try to guess who's who...

1. My beautiful pixie... I miss you so much and wish you would cheer up. We definitly need to chill soon... exchanging pictures is the BEST.

2. Careful? Care filled? hahaha We have so much fun together it's kinda sick... You are my heart and my sister forever and ever and ever... YoU gO GiRL!! lol!!

3. You are honestly one of the chillest kids I have ever met. I wish we still kept in touch but this summer was soo crazy and I'm so glad we got to spend that time together. I hope you know I'll always care about you like my bro...

4. Breckey Laboria and Chocoberry Pacnakes... you're the best. Start a new band! Come to visit me!

5. My lloovveerr... we've had so many crazy times, Pfeiffs says we're "looney toons" hahaha. I'm so glad we'll always have eachother to lean on and when we talk it's like no time has passed. Bbbaarrrbbaarraaaa- llittee oonnnee ssuuuggaa!!

6. Despite what anyone may say, you work just fine. lol! We have so much fun in 5th study hall together, sharing bacon. I love condom fairies.

7. You are my sweet little Green Day freak! I love any time we spend together... and, ok, so I guess he's pretty hot... lol

8. I miss you and I miss our Sundays. I miss our music and our talks and "camp sitting"...I wish it all never went away. I wish we still have what we had... You'll always be my best friend.

9. "Big hairy elephant, big hairy elephant" <-- you know, that's the sound a big hairy elephant makes.

10. I hope you know you have a piece of my heart and that I think about you all the time... Thank you, God, for grass... Ow!... that summer was the best of my life. Remember, "I will never lose you and you will never lose me." Just, watch out for people throwing up on you, darling...

I'm gonna go back to bed, I can't believe I have to work tonight aahhh.
<333

PiCtUrEs

2004-11-09T03:30:56Z

Aaaalllllrrriiigghhhhtttt so I am DEAD TIRED from my trip and all the travelling but my weekend was SO AMAZING. And I'm in such a great mood now- and I'm happy that everybody is back to getting along Woot woot! Soo before I go eat milk and cookies like a little kid and go beddie-bye, I promised I would post up pics from Halloween...

So here they are!! (they're probably gonna be really huge...)

Xio as FoxXxy Cleopatra!

Me and Candy De-Light!

Candy and all her friends were construction workers lol

Lil' John! YYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

Victor, Josh and Colombo. Well, what else can be said about that. SENIORS OF '04 mofos!!

Look everybody! It's the CONDOM FAIRY!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!

:::siigghhh::: what are we gonna do with JohnJo...

YMCA!!!!

B.J. and Sam are ssuuupppeerrr cool.

mooooooo!!!

Hey, kids! It's a sprinting banana?

STEP INTO A SLIM JIM!

awwwwww, sweeet.

Risky business...

hahahaha Lauren loves me! "This Lauren doesn't work well, yet it is my favorite." "I WORK FINE!!"

Uh oh, motha fuckas... IT'S JULIA HARDxCORE!!!!!!!

Wow, that took me soo long. There must be an easier way to do that. Ya'll besta do some serious commenting...

fadedglory82 @ 2004-11-06T13:29:00

2004-11-06T18:31:47Z

This- this very moment, is the chillest moment in all of the world.
I'm sitting here with my best friend, and he's just playin the bass.
And we're chillin.

College visit is completely amazing.
I'm so clean. And full.

And I love this spot we're sitting in- just secluded and chillin...

This is our hiding place.

You don't know ANYTHING - right or wrong.

2004-11-03T21:05:22Z

I officially refuse to live in this country anymore. It's really depressing when 51% of the inhabitants of the place you live are imbeciles.

I guess it's "four more years" with this knucklehead. I've decided, since it's not cost-feasable to move - I would just start my own territory. I'll still live in the U.S. but it'll be like the United Nations- no one country's property. I am the District of Lauren (or, by Lizzy, affectionatly- the Pot Republic) and I've even elected my own president...

Me: We'll, he's not my president, that's for damn sure. I want my own government.
Lizzy: In order for you to have any sort of structure, you'd actually need someone to lead you, make laws so that you can break the ones that don't apply to you.
Me: Ok, so you be it. I elect you president of the District of Lauren.
Lizzy: Alright - your laws will be as follows- you do not pay any taxes but you have to kill people.
Me: Done.

So, if I happen to kill you, no hard feelings- it's the law!

Julia, Elise, Steven, Sterling, Nicole and I had a screaming rampage at Joey today after he remarked "Why do we need other countries' money when we could just bomb them?" Bush supporters, for you, ladies and gentlemen, Bush supporters.

What's new... My Halloween weekend was amazing. Green Day is just incredible and I made a group of new friends from Rye who have just become my loves (thanks, Patty!!) and I've been spending a bunch of time with them... I really wish things would work out with my friends here and that everyone in this situation will end up happy. It's not worth fighting, it's just not worth it.... Stephy, my angel and director, got a part in "Metamorphesis" in Florida so she's leaving us about two weeks early. It's sucks the big one, but I'm really happy for her - she deserves it.

As of now I am going to UMass this weekend to visit Vic-pie!! Woot woot.

I guess that's all. Tonight has become Fajita Night ("vagina night??" haha) with pops. Ole!

STILL NOT MY F*CKING PRESIDENT.

fadedglory82 @ 2004-10-31T23:42:00

2004-11-01T04:44:48Z

most AMAZING halloween eevveerr.
ggaahhh I'm sooo happy!!

<33333

ShE sCrEaMs iN SiLeNcE

2004-10-31T14:48:30Z

Green Day was too fucking amazing for words.

I was so happy they played old stuff as well as new.
I went crazy when they played "She." The most awesome song ever.
I couldn't believe they pulled up kids to play for them! Hilarious.
I am in love with Billie Joe. It's official.

Thanks to Patty + John for showing me such a great night!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

Just a sea-sick elephant, egg nest and tree.

2004-10-29T19:37:10Z

Wow - Halloween at school this year was pretty damn impressive.
Sprinting banannas, "blow me" tissue boxes, groups of Tom Cruise from "Risky Business", construction workers, and firefighters, a giant Slim Jim, ASHY LARRY from CHAPELLE SHOW, the Trojan man, Lil' John...

some appearances by Ex-White Plains High School students!!
YAY for the four-y, we dressed up as seniors from last year
Rachel : Josh Goodman "Hey guys, I'm fat, guys!"
Julia : Colombo "DoN't YoU waNt ThiS?!!"
Lizzy: Victor "There are TATTIES floppin everywhere!!"
and me: Josh Taft "I love Maria! Where's Maria? Mariaa?!!?"

and Miss Sterling joined us as, of course, Dan Gaffey "WHITE PLAINS HAARRDDDCCOOORRREEEEEEE" aagghhh!

We certinaly miss those boys...

Oh, yeah... and there was a strange presence of a mysterious FAIRY... THE CONDOM FAIRY!!! hahaha I love you, Laur.

Expect some excellent photos very, very soon.

GREEN DAY show tomorrow night!! It's going to rruullee.
Now, where shall we get crunked tonight...

Go unarmed into the autumn night...

2004-10-19T19:56:07Z

Haven't been here in a while... mmm... update?

Well, I got a new job. I'm a hostess at Sam's, where my brother used to work. It's a pretty cool job and I'm looking forward to having some sort of money in my pocket. You know, for clothes, and food, and other things...

The "four-y" is back with a fucking vengence. We've been tearing shit up all over the place. Giving the fat kids of America something to complain about hahaha. And boys. We really like boys. We're all about the boys.

PGT is back in the swing of things. I play the Foreigner in a show that my director, Adam, wrote called "The Hadleyburg Project". It's a really cool show and an awesomely fun part. I have an accent and a hilarious song and get to wear funny clothes. Woot woot.

What else? What else? School has been going really well, actually. Some people are completely retarded but I do - not - care. I'm not going to waste my time anymore. And the first issue of The Forum is coming out this week! Oh man, it's gonna rrullee.

I guess that's all... leave me a comment and let me know you're all still living...

</3

Because I knew you- I have been changed for good.

2004-10-07T20:14:52Z

Things are really different around here. Blank faces now seem warm and open - people are just ready to give you a hug, ready to see everyone happy. The mood is weird... everyone still seems really sad but sortof unsure... they're starting to get back to their regular lives but wonder if it's ok... is it ok to have fun again? is it ok to laugh and smile? or must we stay in mourning? People are on edge- ready to cry, ready to scream, ready to just feel more than pain.

I've been thinking about Jason a lot- every free moment things pop into my head. I don't understand why... why such a big presence can be silenced so suddenly. Why tragic things happen only when you least expect them to. Why it takes an event like this to bring us all together...

It's really putting a lot of things into perspective. Things that I don't want to deal with, that I know are just so unimportant and only a speck on a greater range of life. I want to live differently. Jason never really knew what he meant to so many people- and then to see all those people at his funeral... I just don't want to go on having people I care about not knowing how much I appreciate them and all that they do and who they are. And problems shall go on the back burner, because it's just not worth it to me at all.

I'm really turned off by the this severe lack of comment-age going on here, chickens. Anyone out there?...Bueller?...

I can't freaking believe the people that are coming home this weekend- LEE!! woot woot, ORIA!, Brendan!, James! I'm definitley gonna come down this weekend, guys, I miss you all so much. It's really going to fuckin rule.

Well, I guess that's it for now. My mom's coming home from Italy today and I think I'm going to take her over to see the pole where the accident happened. It's important to share these things with the people closest to you.
Lauren M., Megan + Elise really cheered me up today fifth. "Toaster luster..." "I know, it's tough." "Pringles bloopers!!" Thanks, guys.
I really, really love this song - and it's reminding me of Jason, kinda what I wish I could say, and what I think most of my friends are really feeling. So, yeah, check it out:

I’VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED
TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON’T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT’S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I’M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT
AS IT PASSES A SUN

LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD …

IT WELL MAY BE
THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU’LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND...

LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...

AND JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR
I ASK FORGIVENESS
FOR THE THINGS I’VE DONE YOU BLAME ME FOR

BUT THEN, I GUESS WE KNOW
THERE’S BLAME TO SHARE
AND NONE OF IT SEEMS TO MATTER ANYMORE

LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM
ORBIT/AS IT PASSES A SUN/
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A
BOULDER/ HALF-WAY
THROUGH THE WOOD

LIKE A SHIP BLOWN OFF ITS
MOORING/BY A WIND OFF THE
SEA/ LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A
BIRD IN
THE WOOD

WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
I DO BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER

AND BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD.

fadedglory82 @ 2004-10-03T22:39:00

2004-10-04T02:44:40Z

Tonight, October 3rd, 2004, at 8:06 pm Jason Aaron Soury died at Westchester Medical.

This is the most horrible thing in the entire world.

I'm at Rachel's right now and sleeping over here. We're not going to go to school tomorrow and I'm going to go back to the spot where it happened at 8:06 tomorrow night. It was the most beautiful thing, seeing like 60 people there all lighting candles. He would've never thought that many people would show up. We tied the bracelets we were wearing around the pole, an lit all these candles, people even put pennies and change done saying "here's to that silly Jew, he's gonna come pick these up." It's just the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I miss him so much.
I just wish I could give him a hug right now.
It's so terrible to think that Friday afternoon, he was there- giving me a hug and a kiss in the hall. He just said "later." and that was it. So many of my friends were there when it happened, at the hospital, with him this morning...

All I ask is that you please keep Jason's family in your prayers tonight and every night. They need so much strength right now. I just wish this never happened.

This world is so incredibly fucked up.

2004-10-03T23:59:36Z

Guys, my really good friend Jason got in a serious car accident today.
His car was basically in half... he's on life support now.
I'm going, with a bunch of people, up to the hospital soon.
Please, I beg of you, just pray for him. That's all we can do to make sure he's alright.

Jason I hope you're ok, I really hope everything turns out ok.

I hate this. I'm dying.

fadedglory82 @ 2004-09-27T15:05:00

2004-09-27T19:10:02Z

HAPPY MO'FUCKIN BIRFDAY, NIKKI YAYO!!

haha I love this girl like no other. Happy Sweet 16, hunny. I hope everything works out just the way you want it to and that you have an awesome birthday. You rock, love.

"BAAARRRRRBBARRAA - LIGHT ONE SUGGGAAAAAA!!!!!" you two are looney toons... hahaha I fuckin love it.

She's so talented...she can unhook my bra with her teeth. Yeah, that's right, I said it... (do you guys remember that?!)

THE MOUNTAIN

2004-09-23T01:10:57Z

Watching your friends on TV is wweeiirrdd.

Everybody make sure to tune into my friend Tara's new show on the WB - The Mountain. She plays Shelly (tall, blonde, gorgeous girl!) and it's on Wednesday nights at 9pm. So that means it's on right NOWW- so you better be watching!

"My teeth shine so brightly for you..."

2004-09-17T15:37:41Z

First off let me just say L'shana tova to all the jews reading out there...if anyone happens to be reading...

Things have been ok. I survived Tuesday and feel fine. I guess it was just one of those times I just needed to cry and be sad for a bit and then I'll feel better getting it out of my system. It's just a lot of frustration and blah blah things are fine. I've been having fun and I really like my classes in school and the way things are shaping up this year. Everything is just a lot more relaxed.

Right now I'm just chillin, I don't even know why I'm awake- it's so early...hmm...someone must have woke me up...COUGH COUGH GREEN PANCAKE GIRL!! hahaha "Stop touching my no-no spot."

I'm waiting for Julia to call me bbaacckk and hopefully we'll hang out and eat good food and things will be straightened out because this just sucks right now.

Well, I'm out like 5764.
(I really hope someone got that joke...)

How do you measure a year in the life?

2004-09-14T23:16:30Z

There's no way to describe what I feel right now. I've been crying for nearly 2 hours and just running through these thoughts in my head. If you can't figure it out, you can look back in this very journal one year ago today. I feel empty. I feel worthless. Why do i have to love everyone with such depth and just get nothing in return? I dont understand what I've done to deserve this kind of pain. A pain I never thought could possibly get worse and then it did. Because it went from just hating him to hating me as well. I don't feel important to anyone. I don't mean anything to anyone. I'm not anything special to anyone. I don't know why this pain has lingered here. "Give it time, it all takes time" - it's had time. Time to manifest into a broken life and a shattered spirit. It's passed the point where "it'll be ok", "things will get better"...I want to know why they haven't gotten better yet. Why everyone can tell me 'he wasn't that great' and I can still feel ok about giving away my entire being while I was in the relationship and only wish it wasn't taken for granted. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I hope no one ever steals your heart or self-worth.

I really appreciate everyone who's tried to make me feel better because I really know you've tried. And I swear, I've been ok. Things have been better, things are newer and I get to start again. It's no one's fault but my own- I've masked this part of it so long that it was only waiting for this oppurtunity to break down. I have to say I must have 3 of the greatest, and most definitley funniest friends in the world, in Julia, Rach and Lizzy. They really do a lot to keep me in good spirits and smiling and are prepared when I'm not.

But it's gone too far... I don't know how to be ok right now. I can't stand being alone right now and that's the only thing I can really feel... lonliness. There are these songs lyrics going through my head... "I never imagined living without your smile"...

I'm going to hang out with Berg in a little while and teach him how to use photoshop and he'll tell me how great college is and that I should hold on because things will be so much better when I go, too.

Listening to this song probably isn't the best idea but it's so beautiful and the words are everything I am right now:

Still Hurting

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone

Jamie’s decided it’s time to move on

Jamie’s got new dreams he’s building upon…

And I’m still hurting.

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie’s convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just…fine.

And I’m still hurting.

What about lies, Jamie?

What about things that you swore to be true?

What about you, Jamie, what about you?

Jamie is sure something wonderful died

Jamie decides it’s his right to decide

Jamie’s got secrets he doesn’t confide…

And I’m still hurting.

Go and hide and run away

Run away…run and find something better…

Go and ride the sun away

Run away…like it’s simple, like it’s right…

Give me a day, Jamie

Bring back the lies, hang them back on the wall…

Maybe I’d see how you could be so certain that we had no chance at all.

Jamie is over and where can I turn?

Covered in scars I did nothing to earn

Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn’t change the facts

That wouldn’t speed the time

Once the foundations cracked…

And I’m still hurting.